DISCLAIMER: Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami, and I love it, even though this short little story may poke fun to the contrary.
DISCLAIMER: This story is just poking fun at some common Gravitation fanfiction themes. Neither Yuki Eiri nor Shindou Shuichi were actually hurt in the making of this story.
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An Octopus and a Hacksaw
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"Yuki!" the wench cried, and boy was he ever a pathetic little wench. Always fucking crying and running off to the park bench. Hey. That shit rhymes. I'm talkin' about Shuichi's crimes. If only I had a dime for every time that boy whined. "I want an OCTOPUS!!!"
"Baaaaaaaaaaaka..."
"Baccalaureate?" Shuichi produced a Bachelor's Degree in The Fine Art of Whining.
"No, I meant..."
"Bacchus, the Greek God of Wine?"
"Yes. The Greek God of Whine." Yuki turned back toward his computer, which had by now begun to melt. Shit. How the fuck did that happen? Yuki wasn't quite sure, but he did know that he could cry about it later and blame it all on Kitazawa and/or Shuichi's constant presence. "What do you want?"
"An octopus. I think we should have tentacle sex! We've already had all the other saucy kinds of sex, and even some of the naughty kinds of sex. I mean, check out this doujinshi. Right here on page thirty-seven, I'm fucking you from behind while you scream like a little girl."
"What in the holy shitfuck?" Yuki grabbed the doujinshi away from Shuichi and thumbed through it before tossing it onto the now-burning computer monitor. "Everyone knows I scream like a mongoose dipped in boiling chocolate."
"Everone who has fucked you from behind, at least." Shuichi ended up plopping himself down on Yuki's knee, which produced a rather loud cracking sound, one remaniscent of bones snapping. Strike that. It was -exactly- like bones snapping, because that is what it was.
"BAKA!!!!!!!!!"
Shuichi scratched his head. He didn't know this one. "Huh?"
"B.A.K.A!!!"
"Oh! Right. You require Bilateral Above the Knee Amputation." Shuichi produced his hacksaw from his ass. Seriously. He kept all of the good utensils in his ass. With as much traffic as went through there, the place was cleaner and wider than Martha Stewart's kitchen. As he began to saw gently, ever-so-lovingly and tenderly back and forth across Yuki's leg, his voice raised to a sticky-sweet octave. "So, um, Yuki...about that octopus..."
Yuki lit a cigarette by the light of the burning monitor, thankful that he'd already had his sixty-seventh beer for the day, and therefore felt absolutely no pain. In fact, he wasn't even bleeding, just squirting out pale jets of unprocessed liquor from the growing wound on his leg. "No. No octopus."
"But, Yuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiii. I want TENTACLE SEX!!!!! If you don't give me tentacle sex, I'll run off with Hiro!"
"Straight."
"I'll run off with Tatsuha....or Suguru!"
"Underage."
"I'll run off with Tohma."
"As if."
"I'll run off with Sakano-san!"
"Actually a woman. It's the hormone pills that make her so volatile."
"I'll run off with K."
"Wife would kill you before you could say 'semi-automatic'."
"I'll run off with Ryuichi!"
"Replaced with a robot powered by a Speak-And-Spell several years ago. Didn't you notice?"
Shuichi, huffy and annoyed, began to saw a bit harder. "Well, I'm sure I could find -someone- to give me hot tentacle sex! I want tentacles in all the holes, producing yummy suction, twisting me back and forth, ripping me apart like a heroine from a very confusing circa early-90's anime."
"How about I just attempt to drown you in a massive vat of writhing jellyfish while raping you from behind?"
Shuichi stopped sawing for a moment, and looked up at Yuki. "Will the jellyfish be stinging me to death?"
"Could be arranged," Yuki muttered, flicking his cigarette toward the open window. Unfortunately, the cigarette was subsequently picked up by a nesting pigeon, who (upon realizing the thing was still lit, and therefore HOT) dropped it somewhere over Tokyo Tower, causing the famous landmark to catch fire and explode dramatically. (The city architects immediately began re-building Tokyo Tower, but this time decided not to use Flammable Metals (TM) from the ACME corporation.)
"Interesting. But, the jellyfish thing is really just a twist on the same-old death-and-sex theme. It's not the same as an octopus at -all-."
"Stop with the octopus thing and keep sawing."
Shuichi, being a whiny, but obedient wench, continued his impromptu surgery on Yuki's destroyed leg. "Say, Yuki..."
"BAAAAKA."
Shuichi looked up again, "Baklava? I think we still have some in the fridge? Do you want me to get it? You can smear it all over my body and then if we had an octopus..."
"No, Bacau. A Romanian city north of Bucharest. That's where I'm going to send you if you don't stop talking about that octopus."
Shuichi pursed his lips. Aw. A cute little frown. So cute, it would melt Yuki's heart. Or, at least Yuki's monitor. Thankfully, the monitor had already become a slick pile of burning goo on the desk. "I wasn't going to ask about the octopus this time, really."
"What then?"
Thump. The bottom half of Yuki's left leg fell onto the floor. Quickly, Shuichi produced another doujinshi (this one containing some lovely pictures of Uesugi incest taking place in the lost city of Atlantis), set it on fire, and used it to cauterize the wound.
"Wellll," Shuichi cooed, smiling from ear to ear, "We haven't had amputee sex yet."
Yuki immediately picked up his cellphone and called the Tokyo Zoo. "Hello? I'd purchase an octopus."
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The end. |