Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or any of the characters.
Cutting Through It All
Chapter One
Tired, scared and bloody, I sat huddled in a corner of his apartment. I don’t know when the cutting began nor when his affection stopped. All I knew was for almost half a year I suffered inwardly, begging for his touch and yearning for his love and yet I received none. I wasn’t enough for him it seemed, he had taken other lovers and had forgotten me. It had been all too long since I heard him speak kindly to me and more and more I found myself violently used and thrown out into the cold.
I never thought of suicide and still now, it does not cross my mind, but instead I cut my arms, my legs and sometimes my chest. Never near any major veins and never enough to bleed to death, but it is my only release now. I cannot beg for his attention for he gets angry with me and sometimes hits me and though the slap or the fist hurts, I yearn for more—more of his touch even if it causes pain. I’m addicted it seems, addicted to him and I can’t stop, but every day I cut myself more and more. I try to clean up the blood as best I can and I now wear long sleeved shirts and pants instead of my regular shorts and t-shirts. I can’t let him see the months of cutting and self torture because then he really will hurt me, because he’ll either leave me or say he doesn’t care and in truth I cannot handle whichever answer he gives me.
Even though my cutting sessions have gone on for over two months at least, he still hasn’t noticed because he hasn’t taken me in four months. At first I tried to appease to him, strutting about the house naked or only half dressed, but though his eyes followed me like a predator, he never touched me. Never have we made love—no, we just have sex and not even that anymore. As I said, he doesn’t notice…anything. I have sunk into a deep depression and have fallen ill from lack of blood or nutrition. Yes, I starve myself and for reasons unknown to me, I continue. I guess I believed if I lost weight then he’d like me more, I always was fat. I mean, how many thin people have a layer of fat around their stomachs? When my depression sank in, I just stopped eating, stopped living and yet he sees nothing.
I had actually thought things were getting better for us…how naïve of me! To think that cold hearted bastard would actually like me, let alone love me. But it was beginning to seem a possibility! He talked to me, smiled ever so softly that my heart melted and in his eyes were an emotion I never saw before and I thought it had been love. Or at least fondness…but…I guess I was wrong. Four months ago…or was it five? I can’t even remember it’s been so long, but he began to change—or should I say revert to his old self, the self that I couldn’t get through to. He became so cold towards me and the countless insults came back, almost seven an hour on a good day. I was no longer part of his life anymore it seemed, but I just couldn’t leave him, no matter how he hurt me. Maybe I should’ve taken the hint when I had the chance, but I’m such a stubborn fool to actually take the advice of others, even my own.
Everyday he comes home from seeing either his editor or his lover—Oh no, I’m not his lover any longer. Not little old me, I’m just a worn, abused and broken toy. I mean, how can I be when he doesn’t have sex with me anymore?—and then locks himself in his office to work on his next story. After that, he goes to bed or goes out. He spends nights out now, sometimes not coming home for days on end, leaving me to worry about him until he comes home drunk or tired.
The first time he didn’t come home, I panicked, I called Hiro, K and even Tomha, but no one knew where he was. He came home that night drunk and when I asked where he went and why he didn’t call, he shoved me away from him and then threw me out of his apartment. Yes, his apartment. Even though I’ve lived here for two years, it’s still his apartment and I still visit the couch and the sidewalk more than I do his bed. That’s when I should’ve listened to my own advice and left him, but…it’s so hard, I love him so much and I don’t want to live without him. It hurts me to know he cares nothing for me while he on the other hand is my entire life, but nothing that I do changes his mind and everyday it becomes worse…
~~Four Months Ago~~
“Yuki!!” I yelled, latching onto his waist once he walked through the door.
“Get off me brat!” He growled and pushed me away. His blonde hair was soaked from the rain and he brushed the water from it with a swipe of his hand. Without another word, he stalked by me and locked himself in his office.
I stared after him in minor shock, still on the ground, and ignored the tears starting to build in my eyes. Quickly, I grabbed the take-out I had ordered and knocked cheerfully on his door. “Yuki! I have food!”
“Go away brat.” He said from behind the door.
I frowned, “But you have to eat…”
The door suddenly opened and I found an enraged Yuki in front of me. “I said ‘go away!’ I can’t get anything done with your annoying voice invading my thoughts. I have a deadline in three days and you incessant chatter is not helping.” He grabbed my arm painfully, making me drop the food, and dragged me to the front door. “Get out.” He whispered dangerously as he shoved me out into the cold rain without a jacket or shoes. I turned around to see the door slam shut in my face and the lock turn. Wearing only a t-shirt and shorts, I huddled beside the door for warmth, but the rain still pelted against me and by morning I was shivering with cold, soaked in ice cold water.
I didn’t sleep that night and I ignored my stomach’s call for food. I had waited until Yuki came home to eat and so hadn’t eaten since lunch. The door opened after the sun came up and Yuki glanced at me briefly before throwing a towel at me and walking away. I watched silently as he got into his car and drove away, leaving the apartment door open for me.
Slowly, I showered, dressed and ate. Then I curled up on the couch and slept the morning and afternoon through, not even waking when Hiro came to check on me. Yet when Yuki walked in, I sat up and smiled at him, my energy returning once more. “Yuki! How was your day?”
“Shut up brat. I have work to do so be silent and don’t disturb me.” He growled and shut himself in his office once more. He missed the unadorned pain in my eyes, but I didn’t miss the odd smell in the air. I knew that smell…it was perfume and it lingered on Yuki’s clothes. Maybe it’s his publisher’s perfume…yes! It must be hers, Yuki wouldn’t cheat on me. Would he? Thoughts raced through my mind. Yuki had said I was his lover, his boyfriend…he wouldn’t cheat on me, he wouldn’t! I convinced myself that it was just his publisher and nothing else…how wrong I was.
Some time during the night, Yuki tapped me on the shoulder. I was shivering with cold and had broken into a sweat at some point. Both my pillow and blanket were damp with perspiration and my hair slick with sweat. I looked up at Yuki with fevered eyes and made a weak attempt to call his name. He frowned and touched my forehead, removing his hand quickly as if I had burned him.
“Come on brat.” He said, his voice cold, yet his eyes soft. “Let’s go to bed.”
I tried to stand, but stumbled forward and fell to the ground. “Ow…” I whispered and feebly pushed myself off the floor. Yuki carefully knelt beside me and wrapped his arms around me, lifting me up to his chest. He then walked to the bed, but by the time we laid down, I was already asleep against him. He let me stay like that with him, I guess he felt guilty for causing me such illness, but if I knew it would be the last time he touched me with any care, I would’ve laid there forever.
In the days of my sickness, Yuki cared for me. He sat by my side almost day and night, wiping my brow or cooling my body with warm wash cloths. In my fevered state, I could’ve sworn there was fear and love in his eyes, but I knew that couldn’t be true, it was my own longing to see those emotions in his eyes that I saw. One who loved another would not treat their loved one so brutally, never showing love or affection. Yet those fevered days are the days I cherish most because I could pretend Yuki cared for me and he was beside me because he loved me instead of because of guilt.
Though once my fever passed, Yuki withdrew further from me and spoke less to me. When he did speak, it was always threatening or demeaning words as he did in the beginning of our relationship. Always calling me annoying, idiot, brat, childish and so many more that sent me into tears and when I cried, he just watched me and condemned me more. I was back to sleeping on the couch every night and even if I did try to sneak into his bed, he’d curse at me and kick me out of his apartment. So I began crying at night when he couldn’t see me or hear me and hiding my tears throughout the day, but nothing worked.
~*~
It had been a month since we had sex and I couldn’t understand why. True, he never looked at me during sex and kept silent while I screamed, panted, begged and moaned, but he still touched me and allowed me to lie against him afterwards. I blamed it on his work, knowing he had another deadline coming up, but I knew his work was not what was keeping him from me, the perfume scent was becoming more dominant on his clothes and I began to worry. I had decided to try and entice him with my body. I yearned for his touch and so long without him was slowly breaking me down. Maybe he is right, I am weak, to be so dependant on someone that I can’t survive without his touch…but then who can survive when the one you love most despises you?
The first time I tried to seduce him I had came out wearing only a night shirt that ended just at my thighs. I had walked into the kitchen from just awakening and went about my business without 'looking' at Yuki, though I watched his every move from the corner of my eye. I caught him staring at me from over his laptop—another deadline—and smirked inside as his eyes roamed over my body. I opened a cabinet and reached up to grab a glass, showing even more of my thighs. I heard his slow intake of breath and cheered.
The chair screeched back and soon his warm body was pressed up against mine, his erection pressing against his pants. Yet he didn’t push me against the counter, nor did he wrap his arms around me and begin kissing me. Instead, he reached up and handed me the glass out of my reach and then retreated back to the table. I tried not to cry, I tried not to let my emotions run openly across my face, but I failed miserably and soon fled the kitchen. I quickly dressed and left for work, so distraught I forgot to say goodbye to Yuki as I did every day.
The second time I wore one of my skimpiest concert costumes I had and tried to come up with some excuse for modeling it. I ended up telling Yuki we were thinking of using it in a music video and I wanted his opinion. I saw his eyes rove over me taking in every crevice of my body from over his laptop, but even as his breath hitched, he turned away, muttering something about me looking like a whore. A sob caught in my throat and I slowly retreated from his study and back to the living room. I curled up on the couch and tried to distract my thoughts by mindlessly watching the television, but it didn’t work. Everything I saw reminded me of Yuki and how much he had changed for no apparent reason.
Yuki came out of his study four hours later; I was still curled up on the couch, trying not to cry. He stopped and glanced at me, he could see I had been crying and was upset so he walked towards me. He leaned against the side of the couch, looming over me and gave an annoyed sigh. “What’s wrong brat?” He asked flatly.
“What did I do wrong?” I whispered back, not taking my eyes off the television.
That confused him. “What are you talking about?”
I finally turned towards him, tilting my head up to stare into his golden eyes. God, how I loved those eyes… “What did I do wrong? What did I do to make you so mad o-or annoyed? Why are you mad at me?”
“I don’t have time for this.” He growled, “I don’t have time to listen to your pathetic whining and complaining.” I knew he was mad, I could see it in his eyes.
“You never have time!” I protested.
“Because one of us actually works around here.” He roared.
I felt tears pricking my eyes, how could he be so mean to me? Of course I worked around here! How could he think not? I put hundreds of hours into my job. “That’s not true.”
“I’ve got to meet with my editor and I don’t have time for you to be feeling sorry for yourself and whining to me about your problems.” He muttered angrily. Then he strode through the door, slamming it harshly behind him and leaving me alone to cry on the couch.
~*~
Hiro was the first to notice something was wrong. He pulled me aside when I stumbled over a song we were recording and sat me down across from him. “Shuichi, what’s wrong?”
So I told him. I told him everything that had transpired the past couple days, how Yuki no longer had sex with me and how I thought he may be cheating on me. As I spoke, Hiro’s face darkened with anger and disappointment, but I begged him not to harm Yuki or even approach him. He agreed, but resentfully and decided I needed to stay at his house for a couple days. What a mistake that was. I was so upset that I forgot to tell Yuki and when I came back three days later, I found him drunk and enraged.
He was so close to me I could smell the beer on his breath and I trembled at the wild look in his eyes. “Where the hell have you been?” He rasped.
“I-I-I—”
He grabbed my shirt and pushed me against the door, “WHERE?” He yelled.
“At Hiro’s! He said I should sleep there for a couple days.”
Yuki laughed and took a step back, he never did look drunk, even when he was wasted. “Hiro’s…you sleeping with him Shu?”
“No!” I cried, “He thought I should give you a couple days…”
“A couple days huh?” He smacked me across the face and I cried out. “You belong to me, Shu, and you will never spend the night at his house again.” He hissed and then kissing me possessively, he bit my lip hard enough to make me bleed.
“But Yuki!” I cried through my now painfully bloody lips.
He threw me to the ground and stood over me, “I said never Shuichi, I wouldn’t want to hurt Hiro now would I?” He knelt down beside me and tracing my bleeding lips, he kissed me so tenderly it seemed impossible he would ever hit me though he just did. “I wouldn’t want to hurt you either. You’re mine and don’t forget it.” Then he left, back to his office. I heard the door slam shut and waited a couple minutes before curling into a ball and crying. I’d have a bruise there tomorrow, no doubt about that, and Yuki probably wouldn’t even remember what he had done.
And I was right. I awoke that morning and greeted Yuki as I did every day, with so much enthusiasm it could kill someone, but all he did was furrow his brow at the blue and black bruise formed on my face. “What’d you do baka? Run into a wall?”
I just smiled and bobbed my head, laughing at how clumsy I was and keeping the hurt out of my eyes. That was the first time I was ever happy that Yuki wasn’t touching me, I would’ve flinched if he had approached me then. I quickly grabbed something to eat and ran out of the apartment with a quick yell to Yuki that I was going to be late for work. But that wasn’t true, I was leaving two hours too early…the truth was I needed to get away from Yuki before he figured out what really happened to me.
No such luck at the studio though. I tried to cover up my large bruise as well as possible, but Hiro saw through it almost immediately. I hesitantly told him that Yuki and I had gotten into an argument because I forgot to tell him where I was and my own clumsiness had caused me to trip over something and fall into the table. I knew Hiro was suspicious, but he let it pass without another comment.
~*~
Another month past without too many incidents. I was known as a born klutz so most of the bruises I received when Yuki was drunk were blamed on my own stupidity and clumsiness. Doors, stairs, tripping, whatever…people believed me and didn’t question it except for Hiro, but the times I came up with excuses were becoming more frequent. Yuki hadn’t spoken to me in almost two weeks now except for annoyed grunts and only watched me when he thought I wouldn’t notice. Sometimes I imagined him standing over me while I was asleep and at those moments, I cried inwardly, but I knew they were nothing because Yuki would never do that. My dream Yuki looked so different from the Yuki I saw everyday, almost caring, and I wished I could meet that Yuki instead of my Yuki.
Today had been most challenging for me. It had been three days since Yuki came home and I had began to worry. He had done this before to me, but never for so long and I was beginning to think maybe something happened to him. Sometimes he would call me or send me a letter when he was going to be away for long periods of times, but now I didn’t get anything, not even a note. Yet, I was about to discover why he stayed out so late and so long. The incident that had began my cutting and my starvation.
I refused a ride from Hiro, I wanted to walk home and think. Our last two songs were hits, even though they were depressing. “Hurt Me” and “What You Do To Me” had been in the charts for over seven weeks, both at number one for over three weeks each. Our newest, “What You Do To Me” was now first while “Hurt Me” was at third. Hiro knew who those songs were about, but he didn’t say anything, wanting me to come to him instead, but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Yuki had told me to never stay at his house again and I knew what Yuki said, Yuki meant. I wasn’t about to bring his wrath down on my best friend.
So I was walking home when I saw a red Mercedes and a familiar head of blonde hair. I stopped immediately and followed the car to a café. I watched as Yuki stepped out of the car, sweeping back his sunglasses, and smiling. I couldn’t believe it, Yuki smiled; I hadn’t seen him smiled in two months! And then my world crumbled around me. Another person stepped out of his car, a young woman with blonde brown hair and blue eyes. I watched as Yuki pulled her close and gave her a quick peck on the cheek before walking into the café, his arm slung casually over her shoulder. Something I was rarely ever given the honor of, but this woman was receiving it freely and casually from Yuki and he was actually taking her somewhere. Somewhere public, before everyone, while I was stuck in the shadows as a disgusting secret you lock away and never talk about.
I don’t know how long I stood there, tears streaking my face, before I ran home, but I knew I was there for a while for the sun was setting by the time I walked in the door. I went into the bathroom and stared at my face red and swollen from crying. My hands were shaking and sobs wracked my chest. I tried to bring myself back under control, but as I reached shakily for the towel next to me, a razor grazed my hand. At first it stung and I cried out, but as I watched the blood pool in my hand and drip into the sink, I felt better.
I picked up the razor and stared at the bloody edge. Slowly I touched it to my arm and cut again, wincing at the sudden burning in my skin. Once more the paper thin cut welled with blood and trickled down my arm. Once more I brought the razor down and twice more after that. I liked watching my blood drip into the sink and I felt the release I had been searching for since Yuki had stopped fucking me. I heard the front door open and quickly locked the bathroom door. He couldn’t know I was doing this, no one could know, and so I quickly stepped into the shower and washed the blood away. After the cuts stopped bleeding, I cleaned the sink and razor, placing it back where it was, and then dried off my body. The cuts still stung, but they were almost invisible to the eye and would probably heal without scars.
I had just wrapped the towel around my waist when the phone rang and quickly exited to grab it. Yuki was sitting on the couch and had turned to see me sprint towards the phone. His eyes once more followed my every movement as I fumbled for the phone while keeping my towel wrapped around me. “Hello?”
“Shuichi!” Hiro said, “Hey man, are you all right? You’ve been acting kinda weird lately.” There was a pause before he added darkly, “Has Yuki done anything else to you?”
“I’m fine Hiro, just…stressed, but don’t worry about it.” I said, smiling. It was true, I was stressed, but since cutting myself, I was feeling better. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I’ve got an idea for a new song.” I hung up the phone and turned back towards the bathroom when my eyes fell on Yuki. “Oh. Hi Yuki!” I said in my normal chipper voice before running back to the bathroom to grab my clothes. I then changed into my night clothes and headed towards the couch. Yuki had already gotten up and was making something in the kitchen, so I settled down onto the couch and waited.
I never knew what to expect, so I always planned for both. In two months, I had been thrown out more than in the last two years of living with him. I had taken to stashing a duffle bag of clothes and food outside where he didn’t see it and now waited every night to see what he said. Even when he wasn’t drunk, he’d throw me out for the stupidest things. Once, I had tripped over something in the hallway and Yuki had thrown me out for being too noisy. Another time I was crying because I burned myself on the stove, he threw me out for being childish and annoying. Other times, even if I wasn’t talking, he’d say I talked too much and throw me out.
Tonight was no different. He came out of the kitchen, glanced at me and then told me to get out. I stared horrified at him. The weather outside was freezing and I had just taken a shower. “But why Yuki?”
“Because I said so!” He growled, “Now get out brat.”
I tried to cover my tears, I tried to stay strong, but that’s not in me. That’s why I’m the uke in this ‘relationship’, if that’s what you can call it. I turned away from him and slowly walked towards the door, tears already running down my face and sobs already caught in my throat. I knew he was watching me, I don’t even know why, but I ignored him and slowly closed the door behind me. I went to collect my duffle bag from the side of the building when another car pulled into the driveway and a woman stepped out. I recognized her immediately as the blonde from earlier and I could see why Yuki chose her. She was beautiful with her dark blonde hair and piercing blue eyes and dressed in complete black, she looked absolutely stunning. I watched as she walked up to Yuki’s apartment and saw him pull her inside and slam the door. I bit my lip until it bled to keep from screaming, but I didn’t stay to hear her cry out in ecstasy and beg for more when Yuki fucked her. It was too much for me and I couldn’t stay, but I didn’t know where to go so I ran. I ran and ran and when I came back to my senses I was in the park that Yuki and I had first met in.
I curled up on a bench and sobbed. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. What had I done to make Yuki need lovers? What had I done to make him so angry at me that he needed to throw me out almost every night and find others to please him? He never even touched me anymore unless it was to throw me out or hit me and he always watched me with such cold eyes that I trembled beneath them.
The wind brushed by me and I shivered from cold, but I didn’t move. I cried all night and refused to move even when people stared at me. I thought over the past two years of my life with Yuki and searched every aspect of my life wondering where I was at fault. Yuki was always cold towards me, but never had he been hateful towards me. I had thought under his cold exterior, Yuki loved me, even if only a little, he still loved me. But today had proved me wrong. He had another lover, who knew how many others he had, and I was no longer one of them. When I had first met him he told me he had lovers, but that I ranked first in all of them. After a year with me, he had told me he stopped seeing other people and that I was his only one now. That was the closest he ever came to telling me he loved me and it was enough for me, as long as there was a hope that he loved me, I could get through anything…with the help of pain…
~*~
A distant laugh flooded my ears, a laugh I had once known and yet hadn’t heard in over two months. I cringed at that laugh and refused to look up, I didn’t want to see the face I knew would be there and I didn’t want to hear the voice that I knew fit that laugh. Yet blonde hair, smooth skin and amber eyes appeared before my closed eyes and I couldn’t block it out, no matter how much I wished for him to disappear.
Footsteps neared and suddenly stopped, but I still refused to look up even though I knew who stared at me. I must have looked terrible, my pink hair blown about, my skin cold and pale and my face, still hidden in my arms and knees, red and still wet from tears. “Yuki…what is it?” A cheerful voice asked. A woman’s voice. Another lover. I cried more at that. How many lovers did he have? Wasn’t I enough for him? He had told me that once and yet he had lied.
“Sh-Shuichi?” He asked, his voice shaking.
I looked up at him, unable to turn away and immediately regretted it. He had one arm around her waist and the other was busy pulling away his sunglasses while the woman molded to his side and walked with her fingers interlaced with his. “Go away.” I whispered, burying my face in my hands again. It was the same damn woman that I had seen him with now three times in less than twenty four hours. Hell! I was lucky if I saw him once every three days and seeing her here so early confirmed that she had spent the night with Yuki.
“Why aren’t you at work?” Yuki asked.
Feeling too spiteful to care, I retorted. “Why do you care?”
“Shuichi…” He reached out and touched my arm, gasping at how cold I was. “Why are you sitting out here?”
I pulled myself into an even tighter ball. “Because I don’t have anywhere to go.”
“What about Hiro’s? I was certain you’d go there!”
I almost laughed. He sounded concerned about me. If he was so concerned about me then he shouldn’t have ignored me for so long, he shouldn’t have thrown me out almost every night and he shouldn’t have cheated on me. But he didn’t care. Because if he cared he would’ve seen what he had driven me to and he didn’t. “You told me never to go there again.”
“Sakura…do you mind if I take my…friend home? He’s sick and can’t care for himself.” I heard Yuki say. I wasn’t even his lover anymore.
I jumped up and hit him. “I said ‘go away’ Yuki! You say it enough to me, you should understand it. Don’t act like you care about me when you obviously don’t!” I screamed at him and then ran away again. I ran away in fear. Never had I hit him before or even yelled at him, but I was in such a state of utter confusion and pain that I wasn’t even thinking straight. I knew I’d regret it, but not once did I ever wish of being able to change what I did. He deserved it and I knew that, but I still couldn’t leave him.
And regret it I did. I had to come home at some point and when I did, he beat me so bad that I almost couldn’t stand. He was drunk and out of his mind with anger, yelling at me for talking back to him and other incoherent things. Yet I didn’t fight back. I wished for his touch so much that even the hits and the slaps and the kicks were soothing to my mind. He was touching me again and even if it was in anger, it was still his touch. But that couldn’t help my pain. It couldn’t help my need for him and so I turned to cutting myself once more.
The next day, when he saw me bloody and bruised, I told him I met with some gang members and that they had beaten me, I couldn’t tell him the truth. He made a move to touch my face, but I stumbled away from him and quickly apologized before locking myself in the bathroom. I told him I didn’t want him to see me like this and I really didn’t need any help with the cuts, that I could do it myself, but truth be told, I didn’t want him touching me at the moment. It was beginning to drive me crazy. Half of me wanted him to just touch me, be it in anger or love, and the other half of me wanted to run from him and never look back because he continued to hurt me. He stood by the door, telling me there was nothing going on with the blonde woman, that it was just some novel-fan thing his editor set up. I snorted, but said quietly it was fine and listened to him walk away. I couldn’t decide what to do and after cleaning off in the shower, I picked up the razor again, savoring the stinging pain and wave of euphoria that came next. I swore that this would be the last time I cut myself, that after this time, I would be strong enough to stay away from the temptation and I was determined to do that.
Yet two weeks later, I took out the razor again and relished the pain bearing pleasure and the burning sensation of metal on flesh. The first time I had cut myself it was only four small cuts and this time in was two, but it got worse. Oh, it got so much worse.
First it was once a week, after a month it became two or three times a week, but it soon turned into five or six times and then every day—sometimes twice a day, depending on how badly my day went. My first onset of major depression set in soon after I saw Yuki and that woman together at an expensive restaurant and I began starving myself in hope that maybe then Yuki would notice me if I was thinner. I would watch him eat when he allowed me to stay and refuse to touch my food, but though he looked at me curiously, he never said anything.
After a week of starvation, I had passed out for the first time in many times during work. Our third hit, “Edge” had just made number one and the band decided to celebrate. I blamed it on the excitement and forgetting to eat breakfast, but I knew the truth and I suspected Hiro did also. So, I took up eating lunch and only when I was at work. If I had the day off, I refused to eat anything and just drank water since Yuki no longer bought me soda.
~*~
The door opened and a scuffle of feet alerted me to his presence. “Hi Yuki!” I said as enthusiastically as I could muster, which wasn’t much. He glanced sideways at me and grunted a hello before turning to his study to work on his book. I didn’t move from my seat on the couch where I watched the TV without really comprehending anything. I was huddled under a blanket where I held my bloody arms, shaking. One light was on in the whole house and it just added to my inner depressed mood though I tried to shine outwardly. For the past week, I had been yelled at, beaten and threatened by Yuki and my band members for numerous reasons. Today Tomha had yelled at me about losing my temper and had me at the verge of tears before I was dismissed.
I immediately dashed ‘home’, how ironic there—the one place I call home isn’t even my home. But I immediately grabbed the closest razor and cut into my skin, just watching as the thin line of blood appeared and then welled outside the wound and down my arm. I loved watching my life essence rush out of me, it made me feel exhilarated and so alive to know I could feel something other than the cold numb feeling growing inside me.
I dropped the razor into the sink and rushed into his room to gather my belongings and once again packed my duffle bag with clothes and possessions before sitting down on his bed and crying. This was the twelfth time this month I had packed my things and tried to leave him, but I couldn’t. I just could not do it. The farthest I had ever gotten was the door before collapsing and crying out my grief, my pain, my love, my fear, my emptiness and yet Yuki never knew. I slowly returned my clothes and possessions back to their original places, nothing out of place, and then returned to the bathroom and cut my arms again, deeper this time and closer to my veins. I had stopped cutting my chest after an incident of the razor hitting my sternum painfully.
I had panicked when I heard Yuki’s angry steps coming closer and quickly hid the razor and gathered myself under a blanket on the couch. Yuki never noticed anything and I had long given up trying to converse with him, he was too wrapped up with his lovers and his work, his only true love, to even notice something was wrong with me. Once I was certain he was gone, I pulled back the blanket and stared at the blood I had rubbed into it, cursing myself for my foolishness. I hid the blanket under the sofa and slowly walked towards his study. Things were already spinning around me and I knew I needed to get to the hospital.
I knocked. “Yuki?”
“WHAT brat?” He practically yelled.
So much for getting him to take me to the hospital. “I-I…I’m going out for a little bit…”
“Good, you’re giving me a headache anyways.” He muttered, but I heard the hesitance in his voice. So he suspected something was wrong, but refused to ask about it, I don’t know which was worse, that he didn’t notice or didn’t care to ask.
“Sorry.” I whispered, tears already falling and quickly tried to leave.
Somehow I made it to the hospital and showed the ER nurse my arms. I made up some lame excuse about being angry and breaking a mirror and it cutting me, but I had already been there too many times and the ER nurse knew me. She wrapped my cut arms, pity evident in her eyes, but also anger at whoever was causing me to resort to this. After a couple hours, I returned back to Yuki’s apartment, already morning, and collapsed onto the couch. Yuki never even knew I was gone.
~*~
Three months had passed since everything had started and still Yuki noticed nothing. I had visited the hospital only twice—to anyone’s knowledge—and refused the doctor let anyone know of my health, Yuki only came to visit me once. In reality, I was in the hospital at least once a week when my cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding or got infected or whenever I passed out in the park or street. I blamed my dizzy spells on dehydration, lack of sleep, food or whatever else came to mind. I spoke to Yuki less and less and soon didn’t speak to him at all except for a quiet hello when he walked in the door. I ignored the different perfumes on his clothes and refused to sleep in his bed even when he offered coldly. I would sometimes not sleep at night and cry, but I knew he didn’t hear me.
No one said anything to me at work, not even Tomha who always had something to say when it involved Yuki. Everyone knew about the most popular couple in Japan, they were good looking, had their own careers (I found out she was an actress) and they were all over the news. There wasn’t a place I could go where they weren’t being shown together and even the Music Channel had something to say about them.
Hiro often watched me, invited me to his house, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I told him Yuki and I weren’t together anymore and hadn’t been for two months and said I was living somewhere else. I refused to tell him where, saying I just wanted a place for myself that no one knew about until I was over Yuki’s betrayal. I knew I couldn’t leave Yuki; he made certain that night after I returned home from Hiro’s house, but I couldn’t tell anyone that. I was afraid of what he would do if I left, I could care less what he did to me, but if he hurt Hiro or my family…I know how his temper gets when he’s drunk and I know how irrational he becomes and I couldn’t take that chance.
So always lying to my closest friends, I returned ‘home’ to my abusive ex-lover and cutting. I had taken to wearing long sleeved shirts and pants, refusing to wear shorts and t-shirts like I used to. My cutting had become too deep and often scarred now and though everyone didn’t like my new quiet attitude and modest dress, they thought nothing more of it than a passing depression.
~~Present~~
All the lights are turned off and I’m crying silently in the corner, rocking back and forth as blood stains my clothes. I had cut too deep and though I tried, I couldn’t stop the bleeding. I couldn’t even get up anymore, I had tried, but I didn’t have the energy… or maybe the will to get up again. The bathroom was already a mess of blood, water and bandages and when I couldn’t stop the bleeding; I fled to the living room where I now huddled against the couch. Today had been the worst day since I met Yuki and the image of him and that woman was burned into my mind.
~*~
Walking home from NG Records and thinking about our latest hit, “Dying Inside”, I had passed an abandoned alleyway when I suddenly stopped. I passed it every day and never thought another thing of it, but today was different. Today there were two people having sex against the wall, two people that I had seen far too often. Two blondes that were seen everywhere—on the news, in the streets and in his house. They had become the newest hot couple and every time I heard about them sent another knife into my heart. Yuki Eiri and Mohano Sakura, the same blonde that had come to his apartment that night, the same blonde that was in the park the next day and the same blonde Yuki had pressed against the wall while he thrust in and out of her. Her dressed was hiked up to her breasts and her legs wrapped around his waist as he pushed against her, kissing her neck and his hands trailing up her sides and breasts.
It was bad enough knowing about their relationship, I didn’t need to see it was well. I turned away and knew nothing was left. I was an empty shell of what I once was, too many cuts and bruises to hide everything inside of me and I crumbled. I walked home slowly, my arms wrapped tightly around my body—the only touch I ever received anymore—and tears running down my face and chin as I stumbled down the road. I passed everyone who spoke to me and when I reached his apartment, I immediately went to the bathroom.
Taking the razor, I slashed my arm and not even seconds later I had done it again. But the pain wouldn’t leave this time and so I tried again. Already there were thirteen cuts on each arm and with each cut, I applied more pressure, trying to forget the pain Yuki had inflicted. I pressed the razor against the inside of my elbow and shallowly cut, bringing it down towards my wrist, watching as I began to apply more pressure until I was cutting too deep, but I still didn’t stop. I repeated the same cut on my other arm, watching again as my shallow cut deepened until the metal reached my major veins.
When I saw what I had done, I dropped the razor in shock and tried to stop the immense bleeding welling from each cut, but there were too many and the last two were too deep and I couldn’t stop it. Soon, towels lay scattered across the bathroom, streaks of vivid red blood across them. I tried washing the blood off my arms, but all that did was cause even more blood to drip to the floor. In fear, I fled the bathroom and fell beside the couch, pulling my arms close to my bare chest. “Yuki…” I choked out.
~*~
I don’t know how long I’ve sat here—minutes…seconds—before Yuki came home, but I watched him come in from my vantage point. I saw him flick on the lights and frown when I didn’t call out his name in greeting. I watched as he took a hesitant step inside and scan the room for me, but he couldn’t see me. “Shu?” He called, his brow knitted in confusion and his frown becoming more worrisome as he began chewing on his lip. “Shuichi? Shuichi, where are you?” I watched as he ran to his room, throwing the door open and then retreat to the bathroom. I heard him gasp at the bloody mess I had left behind and saw him appear, his face contorted with something, some unknown emotion. I knew then I was in trouble. He had seen, he had seen what I had done and would be angry at me and he’d leave me forever now. “Shuichi!” He yelled, his eyes frantically searching for me as he ran to the living room once more. “God, Shu, where are you? Please, tell me where you are!”
I wanted to stay silent, but my lips betrayed me and a weak, “Yu…ki…” escaped me. I saw him stop and then fall beside me, fear obvious on his face. He reached a hand towards me and I flinched. Yet his fingers didn’t hit me or even slap me, instead they caressed my cheek and brushed over my eyes. I looked up at him and watched as he carefully took my hand and pulled it away from my chest. He gasped at the numerous cuts and looked almost hurt by what I had done.
“Shu…what have you done?” He whispered, gently touching my arm.
I snorted, what have I done? Oh Yuki, you mean what have you done. All this was because of you, because you ignored me, because you beat me, because you threw me out and because you cheated on me. How was I supposed to live with that knowledge? And yet I couldn’t leave you, I couldn’t live without you because I love you…so what else could I do?
Oh God. I must have said that out loud because he looked so shocked and tears began to well up in his eyes. Why was he crying? Why would he cry? He couldn’t be crying for me, I was nothing to him, just a good fuck and not even that anymore. “Shu, no, Shu I’m so sorry. I-I never meant…fuck.” He whispered and then scooped me up. “I’m taking you to the hospital.” I wanted to protest, I just wanted to die, why couldn’t he see that? Death was so much more welcoming than the pain he was putting me through, but he wasn’t listening as usual.
He even wrapped me in a blanket before putting me in his car. I hadn’t noticed how cold I was until he had done that, but I was cold. I was so cold, inside and out and for so long that it no longer seemed unnatural. He sped towards the hospital and even allowed me to rest my head on his shoulder when I couldn’t keep it up any longer, but he refused to let me sleep, telling me I had to hang on. What was there for me to hang onto? Yuki cheated on me, fucked some woman, drove me to accidental suicide and he still wants me to live. Why? So I can see him rip me apart, so he can watch as I die inside and break?
When we arrived at the hospital, he carefully picked me up out of the seat and rushed me in. I heard him yelling something to the doctors and nurses, but I never made out what he said because everything was fading. I guess I had lost too much blood lately. I was cutting myself too much and there wasn’t enough time for my blood to multiply to its regular six quarts. By the time I was laid on a stretcher, I was already unconscious and on my way to sweet death with open arms.
Dhampir
Page 1
1/18/2005 |