Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of its characters. Maki Murakami does. I make no money from this fanfic.
A/N: My apologies about the posting glitch. It should all be good now!
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Tatsuha was bored shitless.
He sat in his seat trying desperately to stay awake and upright, but he was fighting a losing battle. Even as he struggled to keep his eyes open, he could feel his body sliding down the seat toward the floor and his consciousness slipping away from him.
It was going to be another one of those years.
After the last year’s performance, he swore he’d never be roped into coming to another one of these stupid sermon recital conference thingies the seminary school he attended part time, put on every year. Sort of like the middle school plays he’d suffered through at regular school where he had inevitably ended up playing a tree or dancing banana in front of an audience full of parents, every year, the Buddha School made a big show of its star pupils as well as those students the school considered itself to have saved from the brink of sinful disaster. The school did this by having the so-called chosen ones sit like trained monkeys on a stage before the backdrop of a serene Buddha and in turn, recite themed sermons each was required to write in honor of their religion.
Star pupil or delinquent-in-waiting, Tatsuha had no allusions as to which one the school considered him. And if he did harbor any kind of confusion toward his status, last year’s stunt and the fallout resulting from it had clearly put him up in the cheap seats with the rest of the rejects that were only there by the Grace of Buddha and the yen their families threw at the school to keep them enrolled.
Still, neither the memory of the previous year’s sermon, as funny as it was, nor the hot stage lights beaming down on him, were enough to keep Tatsuha awake. Once again, his conscious slid towards unconsciousness and his body slid towards the floor.
“Uesugi, pull yourself together!”
One of the brothers hissing angrily in his ear jolted Tatsuha back to the waking world and he snapped up in his seat--his eyes wide. He looked up to see Brother Maru, one of the monks presiding over the event, glaring down at him disapprovingly. Much like he always did when he laid eyes on Tatsuha.
“The recital is about to begin and the last thing you need right now, Uesugi, is a repeat of last year’s events. You’re skating on thin ice as it is with your demerits, truancy, lackluster grades and a laundry list of other things that keep you on probationary status. Were it not for the fact that you are from the prestigious Uesugi Temple, you would have been kicked out on your blasphemous behind after the fiasco you caused at last year’s ceremony! Straighten up and have some pride and decorum in front of your father while he watches or I shall have a talk with him as soon as the worship is over. And you don’t want that, now do you?”
Brother Maru sneered nastily at the fear that flashed across Tatsuha’s face. The one thing that still worked to keep the young Uesugi hooligan in line was the threat of a face-to-face with his father. Brother Maru wasn’t sure what it was about Uesugi Senior that scared the punk so, but he’d bet a month’s sacramental sake rations that it had to do with the young inmate-waiting-to-happen’s life in Tokyo. For the love of all that was holy, the older monk couldn’t understand how someone as wise and highly respected as Uesugi Senior could let his youngest child and most horridly behaved of the three Uesugi children go off to live in Tokyo. Especially in light of the shame the oldest boy had brought to the temple with his scandalous profession as a smut peddling romance writer and his shameful lifestyle--living with another man and then broadcasting it for the world to see as if he were proud of the fact! Not to mention the way he looked with that blonde hair and those gold eyes. If Brother Maru was Uesugi Senior, he’d have kept the youngest under lock and key to ensure that history didn’t repeat itself. But now…
Brother Maru spared Tatsuha another harsh look. The boy was already asleep again. And snoring! He sighed at the pathetic display. Now, he was certain Tatsuha would be kept under lock and key soon enough, one way or the other as the law saw fit, and even if by the Grace of Buddha the child found himself graduating from the seminary and gaining the sutras of a full fledged monk, it surely wouldn’t help him if he continued on his current path in the modern day Gomorrah called Tokyo.
Brother Maru kicked Tatsuha awake.
“Last warning, Uesugi,” he sniffed, before he shuffled off to do things more worthy of his time like greet the important guests and visitors this year’s event had drawn. A full row of them to his left was filled with reverent monks, priests, reverends and dignitaries from other famous and well-known temples, churches and places of worship all across the country. He prayed fervently as he went that Tatsuha wouldn’t embarrass the school before the recital was over.
Tatsuha straightened in his hard folding chair once again as he watched the monk skitter away from him to go show some lip service to the celebrities in the special V.I.P. seating on the other side of the stage. What that man knew about pride and decorum was a fucking joke! Both those concepts went straight out the window when it came to ass kissing to fill the church school’s bank accounts and getting high-profile sponsorship. Tatsuha watched while the brother puckered up, ready to give the row of well-funded guests his butt kissingest all.
If the threat of involving his father after the service hadn’t been all too real, Tatsuha would have laughed out loud at the sight of the old monk bending over backwards to ego-stroke his way into donations. Tats kept his smirks to himself, however, because he knew that the brother was just itching for a way to put him in his place after costing the school some of its reputation with his carefully prepared sermon on self-love from the previous year. Tatsuha almost smiled at the memory of his speech. It had taken all of five minutes for everyone to realize that the path to enlightenment Tatsuha had been proposing was a pleasurable one filled with lots of touching and lightly scented baby oil.
Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) Tatsuha’s thinly disguised treatise on the delights of manhandling (also known as masturbation) hadn’t gone over so well, in spite of the fact that the meat of the sermon (ahem, pardon the pun) was surrounded by slick words and flowery phrases. And really, all Tatsuha had wanted to do was preach the gospel of truth. Besides, if each session of private contemplation resulted in seeing God (sometimes for a good five minutes or so), why shouldn’t everyone else know the joys of being touched by the Holy Spirit, if not their own hands? As a monk, it was his duty to help those in need see the light, right? Tatsuha had found out the hard way, that not everyone agreed. The fallout from his sermon existed to this very day, including the reason he was at this year’s recital—to make amends for the previous year’s fuck-upery and to finally get himself off of probation and back to regular student status if he did a good job.
Tatsuha sighed. It had been such a lovely sermon and it had seemed like such a good idea at the time…
Ah well, never fear. If Brother Maru knew what Tatsuha knew, he wouldn’t have been so afraid that this year would be a repeat episode of the last. Before they’d even left for the ceremony, Tats had been subject to an earful of his father’s lecture…the same lecture he’d been subject to since the previous year’s recital and truth be told, even before that.
Tatsuha was a screw up. And Uesugi Senior made sure his son knew it every time he did something wrong…or did something right for that matter. One of the results of big brother Eiri having gone AWOL from the temple and Kyoto life under their father’s thumb in general, was an extra scrutinous eye lobbed at Tatsuha no matter what he did. Even when he played the good son and delivered messages in Tokyo to his brother from his father since the two weren’t speaking, or dutifully went about his temple chores on the weekends, Tatsuha could feel his father’s eyes penetrating his every move and his father’s loud lectures slicing into his brain. So, since it didn’t matter whether he was the good boy or not, he figured he might as well have some fun and had rebelled against his father whenever he’d gotten the chance. Smoking cigarettes in the temple courtyard, coming to prayer late and very hung over and bedding anything that moved within spitting distance of his dick were only some of the ways Tatsuha acted out. And Tatsuha considered his hard left turn into Bad Boy-ville all his father’s fault.
While Tatsuha didn’t blame Eiri for leaving, he totally resented all the hand-me-downs his brother’s defection had saddled him with. Because of Eiri’s steadfast refusal to come home to the temple and run the family business like the oldest son should, it had been decided, without Tatsuha’s consultation, that he would take over where Eiri had left off. Tatsuha had suddenly realized that his life was no longer going to be his own to live and that his future was already set. At the ripe old age of 16, Tats had found himself faced with the fact that he’d never leave Kyoto or experience anything beyond the temple walls. Not only that, but all Uesugi Senior or the family ever cared about was what Eiri was doing. The latest Eiri scandal. The shocking thing that Eiri had just said. The shame that Eiri was bringing to them all. Yet for all the bitching and moaning about Eiri’s behavior, it seemed that they couldn’t get enough of poking into the older boy’s business or talking about what the older boy was doing, while Tatsuha himself was usually spared no more than a passing glance or a quick command to go fetch or do something.
Thanks to everyone’s fascination with his older brother, Tatsuha became that “other” Uesugi boy and in spite of being the bonafide baby of the clan, he suffered terribly from “middle child syndrome.” Though he knew he was good looking and made a point of saying it out loud, many times daily to anyone who stood still long enough to hear it, his situation often made the boy feel invisible and like he was just a part of the passing scenery—like he wasn’t worth anyone’s time or attention. It also made him feel like he’d never measure up to the infamy of his big brother. That and the fact that he was now locked into being a monk, guaranteeing that he’d forever be at his father’s beck and call, put Tatsuha right off the crooked path he was treading towards eventually becoming a DECENT SON and on the autobahn to becoming a CERTIFIED HELLION.
Tatsuha had done everything he was big enough to do and then some to try to get himself booted from his father’s dictatorship and the lockdown he had on his future. Between his behavior at both schools, angry calls from the fathers of deflowered “virgins” (half of whom could have written a chapter in the Kama Sutra all by themselves), and the occasional visit from Kyoto Law Enforcement, Tatsuha’s out of control behavior had continued to escalate in a tit-for-tat war with his father. The stricter his father grew, the more Tatsuha became “Billy Badass.” The louder Billy Badass got, the tighter Uesugi Senior’s iron grip squeezed him. It was a vicious circle that had evilly gone round and round until it had all come to a head at the previous year’s conference recital when Tatsuha had stood before the worshipping audience, his school administrators, Buddha and last but not least, his father, and told them all with a straight face that the path to fulfillment in the great beyond, started with a trip to the drugstore for something slick to help with fulfillment in the pants.
Uesugi Senior had been beside himself with livid, eye-bulging fury for the embarrassment Tatsuha had caused him, the school and of course the family temple and name. He had contemplated sending the boy away for hardcore training at a temple in the mountains that specialized in wayward youth, but had eventually decided against it. Deep beneath it all, Tatsuha wasn’t a bad kid. There was good that could come of him still, but Uesugi Senior was at wits end to figure out how to reach that Tatsuha and drag him out by the ear to run the temple like he desired. He also knew that if they continued in their arms race standoff, Uesugi Senior and the temple both would lose the last, best hope either of them had for living on past the current generation. Tatsuha was already a hair away from becoming Eiri Junior and packing him off to Buddha Boot Camp would surely be the trigger to kick the boy over to the Dark Side where his brother had bought a penthouse condo and was happily living in sin. Uesugi Senior was determined not to let that happen.
Desperate for some way to corral his youngest back onto the path of righteousness, a deal had been struck between them. If Uesugi Senior wanted the good son he knew was bound and gagged within the Devil Incarnate, he was going to have to loosen up and let Tatsuha experience some life for himself. After hearing much begging, pleading and outright threatening to pull an Eiri and leave and not look back, Uesugi Senior gave in…to a point. He allowed Tatsuha to leave Kyoto and take up residence in Tokyo, provided that he enrolled in high school there, kept out of trouble, kept his grades up to par and continued to go to seminary school and do his temple duties on the weekends. If after a year he hadn’t gotten into any trouble, remained in good standing at both schools and continued his religious studies, he could remain in Tokyo until it was time for him to take the reigns from his father. Before Tatsuha had been able to dance a jig of joy at his victory however, the elder Uesugi had made it absolutely, positively clear that Tatsuha was to remain scandal free and jail clear until such time or the deal would be off and he’d never again get the chance to experience such freedom unless he left the name Uesugi behind for good. And of course, if Tatsuha did that, he wouldn’t have any of the Uesugi family support or money to help him on his way.
Tatsuha wasn’t the brightest kid in his class and his grades would never get him into med school, but even he knew the cost of living in Tokyo was ferocious and that he’d likely not be able to make it on his own for awhile without the financial backing of his father. Plus there was only so long he could mooch and or steal from Eiri until his ill-tempered brother slapped a pink wig on him and pretended his name was Shuichi before drop kicking his broke ass to the curb!
So Baby Uesugi had gone to Tokyo and set up house keeping in a small flat almost a whole 12 months before and he’d kept a low profile ever since. Naturally he had continued to do all that he’d done in Kyoto, but now he found near professional ways to cover his activities. Tatsuha became a master at deception tactics, covert interceptions of revealing school mail and Tats’s personal favorite, the lieless lie—that archaic art of managing to tell the truth despite the kernel of it being wrapped in the lie steeped reality of it all.
Tats lived his double life with evil glee. He lived out his fantasies in Tokyo during the week and continued his seminary studies--commuting back to Kyoto on the weekends for his mandatory temple duty --a sentence which he served without complaint, even if he did still resent having to do it at all. And that’s how the year slid by—with Tatsuha working his ass off to stay low and plan for his eventual escape out of the deal. Once he had broken free, he would live life on his own in Tokyo without ever looking back to Kyoto…or the temple and all it represented. That had been the plan.
And then a curious thing happened.
Tatsuha met Ryuichi Sakuma and his world turned upside down.
From the first instance of their chance meeting, Tatsuha had gone from raving fanboy lunatic obsession to head over heels deep love. The whole thing took about half a minute. And apparently Buddha DID listen to prayers because as if meeting his lifelong dream in person wasn’t enough, lightning struck twice and after an initial period of closely scrutinized Kuma inspection, Ryu had decided Tatsuha was sparkly enough to be in love with too.
The fact that Ryu loved him was a blessing in itself. Even though there were vast age and background differences, Ryu had finally fessed up and told him in only the way Ryu could, that he loved Tatsuha back. He told Tatsuha that he loved the way his boy adored him, not as a rock star to be idolized, but as a man who needed someone to care about him. He told Tatsuha that he loved the way he looked at him as if he were better than air to breathe, better than a new box of crayons to color with and better than just about any kind of ice cream on Earth. And Ryu told Tatsuha that he absolutely loved the way that such a young boy could hold him so gently and without words tell him every second of every minute that he loved him, just by his soft hugs, his passionate kisses and his contented purrs whenever Ryu got near him. It also didn’t hurt that the boy was drop dead gorgeous, made Ryu his lunch for work everyday with sushi rolls that looked like smiley faces, and called him cute pet names like Starshine and Babycakes. Kuma thought that was da bomb!
When it became clear that Ryu returned Tatsuha’s love, a curious thing happened. The world around Tatsuha and his life in general suddenly looked…different. It looked brighter and more vibrant. Things that had been only black and white to him before now had color and substance and when he touched those things he could feel them beneath his fingers. Food tasted better, with the distinction between the sweet and the sour sharp and vivid. The air around him became sweeter and not just something to inhale and exhale in order to survive. Little things began to mean a lot more to him as well. Watching the stars with his Starshine or the soft paw of a pink bunny on his arm while he and Ryu had Sunday morning tea and read the newspaper comics together made his heart beat with the rhythm of happiness and his soul sigh with contented ease. The world that Tatsuha had existed in previously, slowly developed like a Polaroid picture—a picture in which he began to like what he could see coming into focus. In short, Tatsuha began to breathe. Tatsuha began to live.
Tatsuha’s behavior changed for the better too. Suddenly, hanging out and partying in Kabukicho or Shibuya at all hours (on school nights no less) wasn’t that important or fun. And it only took once to see the hurt in a pair of big, crystal blue eyes to make him realize that there was only one home for his dick and that was with Ryu. On top of that, Tatsuha even did his homework! Two sets of homework from both of his schools had always been a sore point with Tatsuha, especially when he wasn’t inclined to do homework from one school by itself. But when Ryu put his sexy foot down, the boy pulled out his books without complaint and did his best to study and complete his assignments, even if they weren’t perfect when he was done.
While Tats was still a devout under aged beer drinker and cursed as much as he smoked cigarettes, the life the two were building together acted like a soothing balm that calmed Tatsuha down and as if that wasn’t enough, there was more. Slowly, almost stealthily, Tatsuha came home to the temple. Not just physically of course, because he still did that every weekend. No, Tatsuha came home spiritually. His resentment of being MADE to conduct worship in the temple after Eiri’s abandonment of it, began to seem less and less like a chore that he was doing to appease his father and more and more like something pleasant that Tatsuha looked forward to. Tatsuha began to realize that he enjoyed his duties and was actually good at being a monk. It was the first thing he had ever been good at that didn’t require changing the sheets when he was done.
When Tatsuha realized that he was happy being a monk, he was amazed at the number of things that he had come to like about the temple. Things he previously either hadn’t noticed or hadn’t given a shit about. He found that he liked the peaceful serenity setting up the altar brought him. He liked the thick, tranquil silences prayer and meditation brought him. And whether surrounded by the unified strength of the other brothers chanting or the comforting solitude of an empty, candle-lit room, it seemed for the first time in his life, that someone…or someTHING was listening after all. And that maybe, just maybe, Ryu wasn’t the only one to finally take notice of Tatsuha as more than just another Uesugi or Eiri’s little brother…or the Kyoto Terror as he’d come to be called in certain quarters.
The coincidental timing of finding the love of his life and that “thing” that seemed to watch Tatsuha from afar with an amused warmth worked together to make him see things clearly. Maybe it wasn’t so coincidental after all. Maybe everything had come about to make him realize that he was meant to be exactly where he was. Steeped in his new found appreciation for monk hood and with Ryu by his side, maybe the temple in Kyoto, complete with a guiding spirit that seemed to reach out to him, wasn’t such a bad place for a 16 year old man named Tatsuha Uesugi to be after all.
And it was because of his new found love and love of life that Tatsuha worked extra hard to keep himself below his father’s ever watchful radar. It wasn’t enough that he had stopped doing most of the things that had set him up for a life of surveillance in the first place. No, the end of his wild style was a personal choice. He found that being with his beloved Babycakes was enough to fulfill him. And with Ryu keeping watch over his studies, even if the man couldn’t actually help with any of the homework as most of it was all just sparkly scribbling to him, Tats no longer had to live in fear of being cast out of school as a result of his poor grades. None of that was a concern for Tatsuha any longer. His life with Ryu on the other hand, the very thing that had jump started such a turn around in the first place, very much WAS a concern.
Because of Eiri’s love/hate relationship with Shuichi, another man--something that drove an even bigger wedge in the mile-wide rift between father and oldest son, no thanks to a broken off arranged engagement and the sheer sinful nature of it all, Tatsuha was determined to keep his love affair with Babycakes on the down low as far as it would go. Tatsuha knew his father was well aware of his childhood fascination with the band Nittle Grasper. How could he not? In his earlier youth, Tatsuha ate, slept and breathed Nittle Grasper; using his allowance to buy everything that had NG stamped across it. From bed sheets, to underwear, to the shower gel that he’d gleefully washed his ass with, Tatsuha had been the very definition of a number one fanatic. And his particular backstage stalker-like preoccupation with the band’s lead singer, one very sexy, very dynamic, very MALE Ryuichi Sakuma, had caused his father all kinds of consternation.
Tats knew from experience that the old man kept a weather eye open for any sign that Tatsuha was sliding down the slippery lube covered slope toward YaoiLand and did his utmost best to fly below his father’s “gaydar.” Not that Tats hadn’t ever had a taste of the rear view before. He’d never claimed to be entirely straight and was totally okay with his fence-straddling nature; however, this WAS the first time he’d been in actual love. And now that he was LIVING with Ryu, well, hiding a whole lifestyle was a hella different ballgame from stashing a few wayward Kizuna manga and covering up covert meetings in the gym locker room. Especially with a father bound and determined to know every last detail of his life—a life that had to be blemish free if it was to fulfill his father’s wishes.
Tatsuha knew without a doubt, that if his father caught wind of what he was really up to in Tokyo and with who, not to mention, with what gender that certain WHO was, Uesugi Senior would snatch his son back to Kyoto by the crotch so fast, Tats’s body would arrive ten minutes after his dick did. All Tatsuha would need at that point would be a blonde dye job and an earring in the ear to pound the last nail into the coffin of his father’s wishes and finally kick start that heart attack the oldest Uesugi had been flirting with over the years due to his sons.
And Tatsuha wouldn’t even be able to preside over the funeral! Who wants an ex-almost monk still dusty from being kicked out of Buddha School giving a man his last rites? His father would die AND go to hell and it’d all be because of a bunch of sparkly X chromosomes!
So, Tats did what he had to do, including dancing around his “roommate’s” last name, avoiding taking Ryu home to meet his father or letting the two of them talk on the phone any longer than a quick “Hello, is my son there?” Tatsuha knew that Ryu had eventually come to understand that his boy was hiding something from him, but he didn’t know what. And lately, the source of what little tension stood between them revolved around whether Tatsuha was ashamed of him and why he couldn’t join him sometimes on his weekends home or even just meet his father. Tatsuha had thought that meeting Eiri would have been enough to turn any brave soul off from wanting to meet more of his family, but it only spurred Ryu on even more. The man was determined to know all about his lover, including why the boy never seemed to want him in Kyoto or ever invited him to any of his Buddha School functions…
Tatsuha sat on stage, beneath the hot glare of the spotlights, watching the audience finally start to take their seats and quiet down as the recital prepared to begin. He scanned the faces in the audience and spied his father standing in the aisle speaking with a monk from another temple in Kyoto. Tats winced. As it just so happened, the monk his father was speaking to was Ayaka’s father-the very father that had arranged to engage his daughter to Eiri. The very engagement that Shuichi, a man, had helped to bust up with cross-dressing drama.
Tatsuha sighed and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He loved the temple, but he hated the politics that ran behind the scenes sometimes. He hated that because of his father, others like him and their old school views, he couldn’t acknowledge the very thing to which Uesugi Temple owed its prodigal son’s homecoming—Ryuichi Sakuma and Tatsuha’s deep love for his Starshine. It hurt him that he couldn’t share the spiritual part of his life with his lover. But Tatsuha knew that just like he couldn’t tell his father about Ryu, telling Ryu why he couldn’t come to Kyoto and meet Uesugi Senior would cause a lot of guilt on Ryu’s part. Tats was scared shitless that his Starshine just might up and decide for the boy that life with the temple would be better for him and leave. Tatsuha could easily see that happening and that was the very last thing he wanted. No, if he could just hold on a little longer and keep both sides at bay, soon he’d be back to regular student status at the seminary and could begin to tell his Starshine some of his reasons for shuttering part of himself away from him.
Almost as if he had telepathically drawn his attention, Uesugi Senior cast a steely glance up on stage at his son and the two monks stood in a small cluster of religious righteousness, undoubtedly discussing him. Tats looked away and instead watched all the other students that were up on stage with him. They all looked so happy with their prepared sermons typed up or captured within ornate books. Tats dug the loose sheets of his own sermon that he’d stuck under his chair and held them in his hands, while everyone else waved excitedly to family and friends in the audience that had come to see them perform.
What he wouldn’t give to be able to do that with Ryu. To be open and proud that his man had come to see him do the thing he loved best to do. To share one love with the other…
Tats smiled to himself. That would be so wonderful to gaze out into the audience and see Ryu smiling back at him, all sparkles and Kuma waves. He’d be wearing something sexy, like his favorite tight blue jeans and that cute jacket Tatsuha had bought him with part of last month’s living stipend he received. The one that went so well with that blue headband of his…just like the tight blue jeans, cute jacket and blue headband that Ryu was wearing right now…
Tatsuha blinked. Wearing right now and walking down the aisle! Tatsuha blinked again and sat up in his seat. Wearing right now and walking down the aisle of the auditorium…right towards his father!
Tatsuha’s mouth fell open and panic kicked him straight in the balls. Ryu had come! No matter how much he blinked and stared, the sight before him didn’t change. Never mind that just a short while ago, Ryu had nodded and smiled that small sad smile of understanding when Tatsuha had left for Kyoto without him—again.
STARSHINE HAD COME TO KYOTO TO SEE HIM PERFORM!
Oh shit!
And not only that, the man was making a straight beeline for his father whom he’d spotted right away, standing in the aisle, wearing his monk’s robes, speaking with another monk. Spotted and recognized from the one picture of the family together that Tatsuha had back at their flat on the dresser.
Double shit!
Tatsuha totally forgot his sermon and let the pages flutter and fall to the floor as he bolted out of his seat and vaulted off the stage, forgoing the steps altogether in an effort to intercept Starshine from his crash course with danger.
Danger Danger Will Robinson!
Where’s that fucking robot when you needed it? Tats thought. Or any kind of cataclysm that could stop what was about to happen from happening? A little earthquake. A big tsunami. Anything, Tats wasn’t picky at this point. He was up by the stage. Ryu, his father and the bomb waiting to explode were at the back of the large auditorium. There was no way he’d be able to make it to Ryu in time without either running or drawing serious attention to himself. He didn’t want to do either, so he walked as fast as his robes would let him and still appear casual. All the while, sweat on his face dropped in beads bigger than the wooden ones for prayer that hung around his neck.
Tats did a fast hustle up the sloping aisle, each step bringing him closer to the awful scene about to unfold. Ryu was approaching his father from behind, so his father hadn’t seen him yet. Maybe if he could catch his man’s eye before Ryu’s outstretched hand could politely tap his father on the shoulder…
“Uesugi! What do you think you’re doing?” Brother Maru abruptly materialized from out of no-fucking-where, and halted Tatsuha in his tracks. The monk stood between him and his destination, blocking his view of what was going on behind him. Tats craned his neck around the monk, trying to see, and prepared to go around him, when the monk anticipated his intentions and moved to block him again.
Annoyed, Tatsuha snapped back to face his obstacle head on and gave the brother a MOST disrespectful look.
“Why are you out of your seat, Uesugi? The recital is about to begin and you are making a scene! Return to your position at once and prepare to deliver your sermon unto those that need it. And while you do, make certain that you yourself heed its message!”
Then and there Tatsuha shifted into battle mode and was about to straight-arm the man and roll right over him when he heard his father’s voice filter down to him from where he stood several feet behind Brother Maru.
“Yes, Tatsuha has improved greatly,” he could hear Uesugi Senior saying.
“And to what do you attribute his most unexpected reversal?” Ayaka’s father asked.
The answer came immediately. “No doubt it was the strict discipline I have placed on him. It seems that letting him go to Tokyo has only served to bring him closer to home. Letting him see and experience with his own eyes the perils of city life while guiding him with a firm hand and tight control has steered him from the path of self-destruction. I no longer worry that he is following in the footsteps of his brother. Now that he’s put away childish things and turned away from the harmful longings of worldly desires, he will become a fine monk in the Uesugi tradition.”
Ayaka’s father laughed a little. “What about his marital status? My Ayaka is still available. Though she’s slightly older than Tatsuha, if he continues on his current path, I believe he may eventually be a good match. We still have an arrangement between our families that hasn’t been fulfilled I’m sorry to say, Brother Uesugi.”
“And it shames me to no end that I have been unable to fulfill our obligations to your family and temple, but perhaps with a bit more training, Tatsuha will be able to stand in his brother’s place. Tatsuha is still rough around the edges, but he’s making progress. Even now he’s returned to the temple, brought up his grades and put aside his horrible lusting for flesh and that wanton, sinful idol of his, Ryuichi Sakuma. He used to not be able to go a whole sentence without mentioning his name, but no longer. He no longer talks about him or listens to his music or stares for hours at his picture, subsisting only on bowls of rice. That obsession has run its course it seems and he has put behind him any of that so-called disgraceful love for him or any of the shameful leanings he might have had toward that particular type of relationship, if you know what I mean. We should speak more on the matter once Tatsuha has gained his full sutras and is fully ready to take over the temple …perhaps then we can speak of fulfilling the contract his brother dishonored…”
Suddenly the fear that had been driving Tatsuha’s frantic flight drained out of him and left him weak and cold and helpless to move onward. His father was once again making plans to shackle him to the life he wanted him to have, not the one Tatsuha wanted to live. And it didn’t include Tokyo or …
Tatsuha gasped out loud. Ryu! He jammed his head around Brother Maru’s body and saw his beloved Starshine standing behind his father, his arm still outstretched to tap Uesugi Senior on the shoulder. But now, it was frozen in mid-air. Ryu’s slender body stood stock still as the painful words he’d just heard about himself and his loving boy sank in. Slowly…slowly…the outstretched arm lowered and slowly, slowly, Ryu took a step backward…and then another…
“Starshine!” Tatsuha blurted the name out, though only one other person there knew who he was talking to. Ryu stopped his retreat and looked up to see Tatsuha silently pleading with desperate eyes for him not to go.
Sit down, sit down…don’t go, don’t go…
“Who are you talking to?” Brother Maru demanded. He turned around to look behind him as did Uesugi Senior and Ayaka’s father, but it was already too late. Ryu had slumped off with his head down and taken a seat several rows away. Whether he had understood what Tatsuha had meant or simply didn’t have the strength to stand anymore, Tats didn’t know. What he did know was that even as his Beloved sat there with his long bangs falling down over the shadowed pain in his eyes, Tatsuha could feel his Starshine’s heart being ripped right out through his OWN chest.
And it hurt like hell.
“Why are you still standing here?” Brother Maru looked as if he was about to bodily pick Tatsuha up and throw him to the stage. Behind him, Tatsuha’s father and the other monk watched him with puzzlement. In his father’s eyes, though, Tatsuha also saw something else. A building acknowledgement that his son was about to screw up yet again.
There was no way he could go to Ryu now. Not with his father and Brother Maru right there. Not so close to getting off of probation and being able to live a bit easier with Ryu.
But for how long? Tatsuha was all but being promised to Ayaka. One more time… one more time out of many, Tatsuha was being called against his will to clean up one of the many messes Eiri had left behind. And once again because of his brother and because of his father’s stubborn views, a relationship with Ryu, another man, was being looked down upon as sinful…
He slowly went back to the stage, ignoring the curious looks that followed him and sat dejectedly in his seat. He blindly took the sermon Brother Maru had taken upon himself to sweep up from the floor and thrust at him. Looking down, he couldn’t make out any of the blurred words on the pages in his hands.
Around him the event began. A lengthy welcome, followed by prayer invocation and the solemn lighting of the candles and incense, as well as the gilded praises and introduction of all the V.I.P. guests concluded the opening to the ceremony and from there, they went right into the sermon portion of the recital. When the student sitting next to Tatsuha’s name was called, the boy got up, walked with grace to the podium and began his oration with great fervor, conducting his sermon in the proper reverent tone and calculated professionalism that was the hallmark of their proud school’s tradition. Some 20 minutes later, when he was done, another name was called and the whole ritual began anew.
Tatsuha sat in his seat, not hearing any of the worship, nor feeling any of the spirit invoked by it. He could see the uplifted faces of the audience, which was deeply involved in the words being spoken to them. There were many smiles and nods of agreement as well as the occasional spoken encouragement for the moving speeches being performed. They all seemed to be feeling the message, but Tats sat there numb. He was unable to get into the vibe everyone else seemed to be digging. All he got was an empty pall cast over him—the result of his father’s words and of course the hurt they’d caused the love of his life. All around him were shiny faces basking in their love for the preached word. All shiny except for one…
Ryu watched him from where he sat, giving him small smiles of encouragement. Smiles that didn’t light up his face at all. Smiles that didn’t reach his eyes at all. In fact, the longer Tatsuha watched, the more of his Starshine’s sparkles he saw being snuffed out like candle flame.
And the more Tatsuha saw that, the more pissed off he got.
He continued to sit there and stew in his revived resentment until the sound of his name being called to the podium cut through the haze and ugliness of it all.
Stiffly, Tatsuha stood and marched, without form or decorum to the raised platform with the microphone. He slapped the pages of the sermon onto the wooden surface unceremoniously and tried his best to get himself under control. He still had to do well if he was to get off of probation. Once he was out from under yet another watchful eye, he would begin to plan for his escape…
“Welcome honored guests, distinguished faculty, parents and fellow students…” Tatsuha began.
He would continue to plot for his escape to have his life with Ryu…
“I stand before you a student of The Buddha…”
A life that he shouldn’t have to do any of this to live. A life that was supposed to be his own…
“And wish to bring to you praises of his word…”
Anger and hurt welled up inside Tatsuha with a burning fire and it caught at the back of his throat, binding the practiced words that he was trying to speak.
“I…” he took a breath. “I…”
Damn you, Father! And damn you too, Eiri!
“I would like to speak to you today about…about…the Eight-Fold Path and its ready salvation that will guide us to… to…”
Guide us to what? A fucking life of servitude? Of being what someone else wants you to be?
Tats took another breath and tried again. “The Eight-Fold Path and…its ready salvation that will guide us to…”
The words on the page began to swim and march around like restless ants.
“to…”
Tatsuha couldn’t even see them anymore.
“to…”
Abruptly Tatsuha stopped. He fucking gave up. Nothing he said now would make a difference. He was going to have to leave the church to have love and he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to have to choose. Just when he thought he’d found a home… Just when he thought he’d found his purpose… Just when he thought he’d finally found his Way…
Tatsuha Uesugi was THIS close to spontaneously combusting on the spot and letting his father and the whole self-righteous system have it right in the ass for fucking up his life.
And then a curious thing happened.
The sun. The sun happened. Finally arriving at the apex of its mid-morning climb, the sun gleamed the through the high, narrow skylights of the auditorium to beam through the glass, and it shone down in an illuminated shaft upon Tatsuha who stood on the stage. Tatsuha stood blinking up into the sunlight which made the stage lights dull and faded by comparison.
The light was bright. And it was warm. And it seemed to be reaching for him with glowing fingers, almost like a celestial hug…almost like…
His Starshine.
The sun was doing no more than its natural duty—the same thing it did every day and had been doing every day since its birth.
The sun was lighting the Way…
And when Tatsuha looked, he was totally shocked to see the Way clearly. Almost like it was lit up and shimmering for him, the path to his happiness was right in front of him, surrounded by the dark, dull, faded figures of the rest of the audience. His Way was sitting with a pink bunny clutched in his arms for comfort. His Way was watching him with the most beautiful, yet saddest blue eyes ever to break a man’s heart. His Way was right before him.
Tatsuha finally got it.
Ryuichi Sakuma was his salvation. Ryuichi Sakuma was his Way.
And just like his final surrender to the beauty of his religion, there
WAS.
NO.
SHAME.
Tatsuha closed his eyes and felt the anger that had snared him melt away and drop off him like a roll of water after a refreshing dip in the pool.
When he opened his eyes he smiled…and finished the sentence.
“…To Enlightenment.”
Tatsuha smiled again and this time it was the crooked, sexy smile his Babycakes got the privilege to see every single day. The crooked, sexy smile his Starshine had come to know and love.
Big Daddy, as Tatsuha liked to call himself, was in the house!
*** ***
End Chapter 1 |