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Fanfiction > Angst > Hopes and Dreams > Author: IldreenL Hits: 862
Chapter one: A JOURNAL

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It hurts. I wish I could smile a real smile, no another fake old stupid smile. But I canít. No one notices, but every time they say those things to me they make it more and more difficult to smile a real smile.
All I hear are those comments:

ďWhy donít you stop wasting your time and make something useful?Ē

ďHow long are you going to stay there doing nothing?Ē

ďWhy donít you focus on the important things instead of those songs?Ē

I have my own questions you know? Like why no one cares about whatís important to me? I know that listening to music and trying to write lyrics is useless to everyone else, but to me they are my refugee, the only thing that brings peace to my mind. Itís my dream, probably the only one I have.

And they want to take that away from me too.

Like everything else wasnít enough, not the bullying, or the emptiness, the feeling that Iím failing to them, no, thatís not enough, they also want to take away from me whatís kept me sane through all the pain Iíve been feeling for the lasts months.

And itís not like Iím good at anything else. I mean, Iím only at school Ďcause my parents would have a heart attack or something if I stopped going. The only thing Iíve ever wanted, truly wanted to be in my life itís so impossible and ridiculous that I havenít dare to tell anyone, they might as well laugh about it.

I want to be a singer.

I know, stop laughing about it. Itís just.... whenever Iím singing I feel so free... these songs I write... they might seem like crap to anyone else, but Iím so proud of them! And itís not like I canít stop it! No matter where I am or what Iím doing, my brain doesnít seem to stop thinking about it, and the inspiration flies freely. I have imagined so many times myself singing so many different songs that itís becoming almost real to me.

-sight- If only I were stronger... but Iím afraid that if I try becoming a singer Iíll fail. Or even worst, that Iíll succeed and when Iím at the top of my career my inspiration will leave me, and I wonít be able to sing again or write songs that make people dream. And then Iíll fall.

What if I try and I canít come up with something good enough?

Will everyone tell me ďI told you soĒ and laugh to me?

Will they look at me in disappointment and say nothing, like all those times before?

Gotta go. I have homework and they are waiting for me to go, smile and do something Ďusefulí instead of being here in my room doing Ďnothingí... if only they knew... but itís useless to try talk to them. After all, they are my parents and the Ďadultsí here, arenít they? They know whatís best for me, right?

If thatís true... then why am I feeling so down, why do I want to escape from here and never come back, why do I want to scream and let the world know that Iím more that the Ďcute cheerfulí guy of the class?

Why canít I let the real Ryuichi out, and smile a real smile?


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Disclaimer: I donít own Gravitation or any of itís characters.
A/N: Sorry if there are mistakes. No beta-reading this time. Next: A book.
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